- That's a little scary. - Stop trying to wind me up.
I think you have a real hang-up with the term "stalker".
No, I just fail to see how you showing up at my museum
every day for, like, two weeks makes me the stalker,
when, clearly, it makes you the stalker.
The most important thing to remember here... Hand, please.
These past two months
have really truly been the happiest two months of your life.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
- There you go. - Wait. Excuse me.
Son of a bitch.
I tell him no olives and he brings olives, and that's a problem because...
- You hate olives. - I hate olives. I hate olives.
Don't move. I'm on it.
There.
Crisis averted.
You know, usually, I would be
completely disgusted with someone sticking their fingers into my drink,
but with you, not so much. In fact, it...
it adds a certain Melinda zestiness to it.
Well, we make a good team.
Yes, we do.
Well, I am going to go powder my nose.
Do me a favour? If the waiter comes back, make sure there are no olives in my cake.
I like that.
Spence. Spence.
- All right, man. It's time. - Time for what?
Time for me to get engaged. You were gonna put this in her sundae.
Yeah. Right.
Nice rock.
Thanks.
Oh, boy.
Sorry. It was packed. I just had to fight for a mirror.
Here we are. A sundae for the gentleman,
and chocolate cake for the lady.
Actually, I think that she had the sundae and I had the cake.
OK. Got it.
So, Mel,
I'm glad you stalked me because...
I never met anyone like you before, and I...
I know that we've only been dating a little while,
but I just feel like I have known you
my... my whole...
my whole life. Are you chewing that?
My God.
Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus!
Calvin.
I knew you'd do it.
Excuse me one second. I just wanna take that... Just a little quick search for...
- All right. Be right back. - I'm calling Mama.
Hi. Hi. I'm sorry. I think there's been a mistake.
Mama. I'm getting married, Mama.
Ma'am? Ma'am? Pardon me. Ma'am. Ma'am, that's my ring.
Hang on, Mama.
- May I help you? - Yes.
I'm so sorry, but I think the waiter mistakenly brought you the wrong sundae.
See, that's my grandmother's ring.
I think you better go sit over there
before my fiance here
whups your ass.
OK. How about I buy both of your dinners?
Good? Yes. Except, I'm gonna need that back though, so...
OK, baby. Whup his ass.
Baby, the thing is...
The thing is, I haven't waited 17 years on your sorry ass
to let this white shadow come and spoil my engagement.
It's either you whup his ass, Calvin,
or I whup yours.
Yeah.
You need to go now.
- Right. OK. - Mama. Yes.
How about...
Thief! Help!
Give me my ring. Give me my ring.
Well,
this wasn't exactly what I had planned.
Look, I know we haven't been together long,
but you know when something just feels right and you don't want that feeling to end?
OK, Romeo. Save it for your cellmate.
Whoa, Clancy, give the kid a minute.
- Thank you. - No problem.
Long story short, I love you.
I love you.
Will...
will you...
will you marry me?
Yes, I will marry you.
OK. Congrats and all that.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you...
I'm gonna go now.
Dude, are you fucking with me?
"Congratulations" might be appropriate here, Derek.
You've dated for two months. I've had this cold sore longer than that.
This, coming from a guy who's been married three times?
Have you learned nothing from me, man? I am a cautionary tale.
I am Jesus. I have suffered for your sins.
Please let that be a fart.
Yeah, baby. Suck it, losers.
OK. That was definitely not a fart.
You know, I think that bee-yatch is feeding this thing Indian food just to screw with me.
Yeah, you did a poop. Yeah.
Any of you need changing?
Hey, where's... where's Seth? He's up.
He's looking for a ball. He didn't have time to stop at home and get his.
How hard is it to find a ball?
Sorry, fellas. I'm on the DL tonight.
I don't think there's a disabled list for bowling, buddy.
Ron, how can you abandon me with these two losers?
I'm not. Just cos I'm getting married, doesn't mean I'm not gonna be here for bowling night
or fishing weekend or Jason's biannual pornapalooza.
- You know, nothing's gonna change. - Yeah.
Well, that's what I thought. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to get little shit-machine back to his gold-digging whore of a mother.
Hey, don't forget your ball.
I was talking with the mayor,
and I put a bug in his ear about having the reception at the opera house.
You know, Mom, we were thinking of having a small, simple wedding.
Honestly, Melinda, we're not Amish.
I'll get it.
My little sister's engaged.
- Hi, beautiful. - Hi, Todd.
Sorry, can't hear.
He's always working.
Let me ask you something. Is it wrong to want to tap sister-in-law's ass? Right?
I gotta go-
- Honey. Remember when we got engaged? - How could I forget?
Let's go on a second honeymoon. Someplace romantic, maybe make a baby.
Hey, there's your dad.
Abe. Did you hear the one about the horny jockey and the stable boy?
No, but I think I like it already.
Hey, guys.
Speak English. English. Look, go watch some TV, huh?
- They're so cute. - Sorry about that.
They're from the second marriage.
The ex only lets 'em speak to me in Mandarin, the hairy ass-crack.
- Yeah. - Anyways, congratulations.
Thank you.
Sure. Yeah.
OK.
- How's my baby? - My mother's killing me with wedding crap.
- I don't think I can take another year of this. - Well, we could just elope, of course.
Then she'd kill both of us.
What are you doing?
You.
- Baby, we're in the pantry. - That's a good point.
What are you doing? My God.
Sex elevator
You are so stupid.
Hey, would it kill you to buy some groceries, man?
If the Mystics had covered the spread, I could.
The Mystics? You're betting on the WNBA?
Well, hello.
Hi. I'm Judith. I work with Mel.
Hey, Judith. I'm Jason.
I'm Ron's best friend, since childhood. Yeah.
And this is Seth, his college roommate,
and that's Derek, used to be his boss.
Are you all in finance?
Actually, I'm in consumer products testing.
- Derek, do you still work with Ron? - No, I left that company a while back.
But I'm still in finance, you know.
I'm telling you, she had a pine-tree air freshener in her underpants. Gotta go.
- And what do you do? - I am in the advertising game.
- Yeah. - Advertising? That sounds exciting.
It is. Yeah, it is.
You know, Judith, you're a friend of Mel's and I'm a friend of Ron's,
so I'm thinking we should get together.
You know, maybe grab a pizza, fuck?
No?
You don't like pizza?
Seriously, who doesn't like pizza?
All right, everyone. Everyone.
I don't know how to say this, but
Mel and I could not come to an agreement on wedding colours, so we are breaking up.
I'm very sorry. Everyone drive safe.
Yes. Welcome back, buddy.
He was kidding.
- Sorry, Mel. - It's OK.
Anyway, two short months ago,
I wandered into the Cleveland Museum of Modern Alt. I was, of course, lost,
but then I laid eyes on the best exhibit in the whole joint,
Mel.
Now, I know that two months is an awfully short time to get engaged,
but, to be honest with you, I was ready to propose on that first day.
So, needless to say, when Mel proposed, I said yes.
I didn't want her to change her mind, so we set a date. On May 31, one month from today,
you are all invited to our open bar, which will also feature our wedding, but, you know...
All right, let's get drunk.
Hey, Derek, why is your kid dropping a deuce in that plant?
Jesus, stop it.
Abe, I was taking a look at the numbers. I think we've got some dead weight.
Look. Take a look at this.
- Hey, fellas. - Ron, come in.
- Abe, you're a whisky man. Is that right? - Absolutely.
- All right. I got something here for you. - What have we got here?
That's nice. What is this?
Jameson's 30-year private reserve.
I'm half Irish, so I support the motherland. I brought you a bottle.
You're Irish? My mother's from Galway.
It's gonna be great to get some more Irish blood in the family.
You know, Todd here is English, but we try not to think about that.
- You like Cubans? - Yes. Thank you.
From what I understand, Ron, you're a... you're a numbers man.
Yes, sir. I'm a financial consultant.
I started out as a numbers man.
In fact, Ron, you remind me a lot of myself when I was a young man.
We can always use more numbers men in the company.
You know, it's overrun now with too many goddamn lawyers.
No of fence, Todd.
After all, it is a family business.
- Thank you, sir. It's a very generous offer. - No, no, no. Abe. You call me Abe.
- Looks like you need a refill. Todd. - Yes, sir.
Let's go find that bottle of yours. Take care of that, would you?
So, Ron, have you heard the one about the horny jockey and the stable boy?
No, but it sounds painful.
It's been a great couple of months, and I can honestly say
that you are the best two interns we have ever had here.
Unfortunately, we can only hire one of you.
So, let the best intern win.
Get in there, Maxie. Get in there.
Get angry. Get angry.
That's not good.
- Hello? - Ronnie. It's Todd.
Hey, Todd, what's going on?
Just a little thing called your bachelor party. What's the plan?
I don't know. My buddies are big fans of "Two-for-Tuesday" lap dances at Spanky's.
Listen, Ron, this is your last hurrah. We've gotta do this thing in style.
I'm thinking we fly somewhere warm.
Where the drinks have umbrellas, the hotels are five stars,
and vagina flows like water.
Sweet, sticky water.
Wow. That sounds great, but some of the guys are on tight budgets.
That's what the company card's for, right? Like Abe said, this is a family business.
Look, that is very generous of you, but I can't let you pay for all that.
Look, I'm really happy that you're marrying Mel.
I always wanted a brother, but, unfortunately, my mother died when I was pretty young.
Look, I know we're not blood or anything, but...
Look, I would be honoured if you would let me throw my new brother his bachelor party.
Well, of course, Todd. Absolutely.
Awesome.
Listen, you probably wanna get some sleep, bro-ham,
cos you're gonna need it.
Wow, Todd, I'm so sorry about your mom.
I never knew.
Billy, are you fucking retarded?
She's not dead. She's in Phoenix with her second husband and her third set of tits.
I'm sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, you are.
Now, look,
I need recon on this guy, Ron Simmons.
I want to know everything about him, every little detail.
Every man has his weakness, Billy,
and I wanna know his.
The old man's stepping down soon. I'm next in line.
I haven't been sleeping with his cow of a daughter for three years
just so Daddy's little favourite can come in and take it from me.
Sadly, Billy, I just don't think this little union's gonna make it to the altar.
- Let's go. I'm still sober. - Come on.
The chicks in South Beach aren't gonna fuck themselves.
- Hey, Mel. - Hey, boys.
I love you, baby doll. I'll see you soon.
Hey. What's that for?
Well, you gotta buy the groom a lap dance.
Pick a hottie.
See, that's why I'm marrying you.
Shit. It's my first wife. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Love you.
Go, go, go, go. Come on, go.
Nice try, asshole. It's your weekend with your son, remember?
Hey, it's Ron's bachelor party.
That is your problem, shit for brains.
Ron, congratulations.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and I am so very happy for you.
Asswipe.
Thanks, Irene.
Sorry you're not going to make it, Derek. That sucks. Get in the van, Ron. Ticktock, ticktock.
All right, I'm going, OK? My life knows no joy.
All I know is work and alimony payments and baby-sitting, OK?
So if you think I'm missing out on a weekend of drunken debauchery, you're mistaken.
Well, he can't come with. This is a bachelor party, not Romper Room.
Ron?
Wait a minute.
This?
This is your future father-in-law's plane, man?
- Way to go, Federline. - And Todd is gonna pay for the weekend?
Yeah, I guess so.
- Sounds gay to me, man. - Yeah, we don't have to put out, do we?
Yeah, I'm not sleeping with your brother-in-law, Ron.
What a douche.
My niggaz.
What about this?
So, guys, this is Todd. Todd, the guys.
Gentlemen, let's do this.
- Nice sweater. - Shotgun.
Whoa. What's with the kid?
Don't worry. He's the mature one.
Perfect.
Man.
What? What?
OK, OK. Listen, guys, take your s...
- Why don't you have any pants on? - This is a private plane, right?
Them's my privates.
A couple of flight attendants will go over some safety precautions. It's not a big deal.
Great.
Ladies.
- Hello, boys. I'm Mandy. - And I'm Sandy.
And I am in the upright and locked position. Yeah.
We'll be serving you all the way to sunny Florida.
And I've got two million airline miles. Yeah.
Hey, Derek. Offspring.
Jeez. Hold on.
Come on, Melvoid. Let's go.
- It's Tommy, dumb-ass. - Go see Captain Larry in the cockpit.
- I don't want to go to the cockpit. - Don't forget to wipe your ass.
In the event of a water landing, you will find several flotation devices on board the aircraft.
Talk to me, Billy.
I've checked you into the suite and the bar is fully stocked.
- What about decorations for the room? - I'm taking care of it.
Guys, come on. Let me out.
You, sir, know how to travel.
- Well, nothing is too good for my new bro. - All right.
Speaking of which, have you ever had two girls at once?
Actually, sadly, no. But... Have you?
Of course, or else I wouldn't be married.
Listen, I cannot let my new brother get married until he has had a hat trick,
and I happen to have it on very good authority
that Sandy and Mandy are...
morally flexible.
And I love that about them. I do.
But, I don't know, I think this weekend I just want to hang out with you guys and get drunk
and maybe crap my pants.
- I'm a traditionalist. - OK.
I'm going to let this little Boy-Scout routine fly for now, but let me tell you something.
My motto in business, and in life,
is "balls to the wall".
Now, the mark of a good bachelor party is the bachelor getting laid early and often,
and the Todd only throws the best bachelor parties.
- Ladies, do your worst. - Guys, I'm fine.
I really don't want a lap dance right now, OK? I'm fine.
Whoa. Wait, can I just... A little Purell first? Like, two squirts, please?
Shut it, germ boy.
Dear God.
- Bye. - All right.
Thank you, ladies.
Drained it.
- See you on the internet. - See you on the way back.
See ya. Thanks.
All right?
Way to go. One minute in Miami and two broken arms. That's our Seth.
All right, gentlemen, listen up. This is Billy.
He's going to help us with the festivities this weekend.
- What's up? - Let's check it out.
Come on. Left, right.
Welcome to the presidential suite.
My God. They're really letting me in this place? Look at this.
Dip my balls in champagne, cos I'm in heaven.
Groovy, Todd.
Damn, Ron, I might just bang your brother-in-law after all, man.
Well, thanks for that image.
Jeez. You good over there, Seth?
- Yeah. - All right, pal.
- This place is amazing. Thank you. - Nothing but the best.
Now, there is one more stop on the tour.
Yeah.
Gentlemen, say hello to my little friends.
I'm just gonna hit the head.
What are you trying to do, kill me? There you go, sonny.
Move.
- So what do we got? - There's a camera in every single room.
Perfect. If this guy so much as pops a stiffie, we'll get it on tape.
Yeah.
That German chick said something about Hitler.
My German's a little rusty, but I am pretty sure that she said, "Long live Hitler."
Seth, relax, pal. Get a massage.
I'm serious, OK? As the only Jew here, I feel it is my responsibility
to be concerned that our roommates might be Nazis.
All right, buddy. Tell you what. If they even think about invading Poland,
we'll let somebody know.
All right, Ronnie. Gin and tonic time, buddy.
Fire it up.
Will you just drop it, please?
I'm cool with your sexuality, it's just I don't swing that way, man.
Look, asking you to rub sun block on my back does not make you gay.
- You might as well have asked for a hand job. - OK, that is just sick.
I smell cocktail wieners.
What?
Eureka.
OK.
What are you doing? You don't even know what the SAA is.
It's Sales Associates of America or some crap.
Just talk about selling and goal realisation and all that other Tony Robbins shit.
- Why am I Tubbs? - Because you, sir, are no Crockett.
To be honest, I was nervous coming here.
When we first proposed a Sex Addicts Anonymous retreat, people rolled their eyes.
Like, "Why not just call it an orgy?"
No, you'll see. These retreats offer a very supportive environment
where we can focus on healing and getting on the road to recovery.
This weekend, sex will be the farthest thing from your mind.
- You like guns, Pops? - What is that?
The best day of my life was the day they gave me my ten-year chip.
Welcome. I'm Sue Hoover, president of the Southeast chapter.
Hi, nice to meet you, Sue. All of you.
So what chapter are you from, Tubbs? Is that your first name?
Actually, that's his last name.
Yeah, I'm Sonny and that's my partner, Rico. Yeah.
And we're from the Midwest chapter.
Well, welcome, Sonny and Rico. So how long have you two been in the programme?
Not very.
Well, speak for yourself, Rico, cos I've been a member for... gosh, like, 20 years.
20 years? My goodness.
I got started really young. My grandpa, he was a member, so he started teaching me early.
Whoa. Careful there, Suzy Q. Those things are a little tricky. Be careful.
Yeah, between my grandpa and the Boy Scouts, it was like I was born to be in SAA.
- The Boy Scouts? - Yeah, I did a lot of hustling in the Scouts.
The Christmas-tree lot in the winter and going door to door in the summer - whatever it took.
My scoutmaster even said I was the best he ever had.
I'm fine.
Let's not bore the nice people with faded childhood glories there, Sonny.
Hey, Rico, isn't that your kid over there?
Not all women are comfortable with a male vaginacologist,
but I have many, many satisfied patients. I am booking appointments.
Come on.
So, Betty.
You wanna maybe grab a drink later? You know, talk shop?
I could always use some pointers on my technique. OK?
Man.
I need to call my sponsor.
Guys, let's go. Strippers aren't getting any younger.
Sonny. Sonny.
Hey. Betty. What's... what's going on?
Nothing, I just really enjoyed talking with you earlier.
Yeah? Yeah, well, that's cool. Yeah.
Maybe... maybe we should hang out, you know?
Grab a pizza, fuck.
I thought you'd never ask.
- Pardon? - Well, I don't eat pizza, but, whatever.
Gentlemen, I will see you later.
That line has never worked. I mean, ever.
I'm gonna be really pissed if she doesn't murder him, or at least harvest a kidney, man.
That pole's got to be covered in crabs and herpes and God knows what.
I am so glad I cashed in my 401(k), man.
Gentlemen, this booth's us.
Come on.
Excuse me. I hate to interrupt this meeting of the minds, but I've got a work question.
Who wants to make $10,000 for five minutes' work?
Back, back. Yeah, there it is. There it is.
Get into position.
The conquering hero has returned.
- Hey, that didn't take long, man. - Trust me, she couldn't take much more.
I fucking killed it, ninja style.
Yeah? What, like, fast and silent?
You know it, brother. Yeah.
Check it out. That chick's a dead ringer for a young Nancy Reagan.
- So? - I always wanted to fuck Nancy Reagan.
I was always fond of Geraldine Ferraro. Very sexy.
Come on, bachelor. You've got a date in the VIP room.
He's going to the VIP. My God.
You're very nimble.
Save your energy. You're gonna need it.
I've gotta get married more often.
Maybe the belt should stay buckled though. No?
Your mom is on the phone. Your grandma had a heart attack.
Nana?
My God. That's horrible. I...
You're not going anywhere, baby.
OK.
Hey, that's a zipper.
That's happening now.
- Hey, back off. He's mine. - You can share.
What? What? No. Lord. Maybe we've had enough.
- That's my leg. That's happening. - You fucking bitch.
Holy shit. Come on, guys.
Get the hell off him.
Stripper fight.
What is Todd's deal? Is he trying to get me laid or get me killed?
Hey, man, there are worse ways to die.
Dudes, that chick in the corner is throwing me signals like she's Johnny fucking Bench.
She's paying more attention to the floating lint than you.
All right, let's get down to brass tacks, OK?
- Are you ready for marriage, Ron? - I think so.
So you're ready to say goodbye to blow jobs? Cos that's the first thing that goes.
Married women don't give blowjobs. It's a union thing, man.
And then your sports that you love, that's the next thing you can kiss goodbye.
- Mel likes sports. - No, no, no.
They pretend they like sports, the same way we pretend we like talking to them.
The only sport you're gonna get when you're married is Little League tee ball.
And I've seen that stuff, and, trust me, Ron, most of those kids really fucking suck.
OK?
By the time they take away the last thing that gives you any pleasure at all - booze -
you've forgotten what happiness is.
So now you're just walking around, an empty shell of the man you once were.
And that's when they leave you, Ron,
claiming that, "You're not the man I married."
Well, no shit, hey?
Thanks for playing, and here's a parting gift - Child support and alimony right up the ass.
That's marriage, Ron.
You ready for that?
I'm gonna go pee.
I need some pills.
- For God's sake. Let me help you. - Thanks.
Just don't get any ideas. I'm not gonna wipe your ass later.
My old friend codeine. Two for me, one for you?
- No, no. I need that stuff, man. Come on. - Wait a minute. Can you drink with those?
- It's way better when you drink. - One beer is not gonna be a problem.
Come on, man. Marriage is outdated, Ron.
We don't need 'em. We never should've given women the right to vote.
OK. That's it. Let's take it easy, shall we?
It's been kind of a long night, what with the gang rape and all.
God. I'm gonna walk Sleeping Beauty back up to his room. Come on.
- OK. I've gotta go to the garden party. - OK. Careful.
- Show me a poodle, I'll fist it. - OK, that's good for you.
You guys... you guys coming or what?
No, I think I'm gonna stay here, man. That chick over there is begging me for it.
I'm not gonna miss this.
Why would you?
Seth?
- Hi. - Hi.
He's... he's had kind of a long day.
- It's definitely past someone's bedtime. - Yeah, sorry about that.
Come on, pal. Come on. Here we go.
Jeez.
So, do you want to take a picture, or should I give you paper so you can sketch 'em?
- Take a picture. - No. I'm sorry.
I'm from Cleveland and I was noticing your shirt. Are you a Browns fan?
My father's from Cleveland. I'm a Cavs fan too, but they're breaking my heart right now.
LeBron. Shoot less commercials and more free throws.
- Come on, LeBron. - So you're a big Cleveland fan, huh?
- Such is my curse. - Well...
He's drooling on me now,
so I should probably go, but it was nice meeting you.
- You too. - All right. Come on, little prince.
Bye, LeBron.
Hey, babe. Just calling to say hi.
I miss you.
Give me a call whenever and I'll talk to you then.
Love you. Bye.
Balls to the wall, Ron.
Yeah. You know, I think I'm more of a couch sleeper.
Auf Wiedersehen, ladies.
What is wrong with this guy?
Who walks away from that?
- Wakey, wakey, D. - Nacho Bellgrande.
Morning, ladies.
There's my book.
- Danke, Seth. - Banana.
It was... it was...
God.
She wasn't just reading Hitler's manifesto, OK, she was highlighting it.
- Those girls are Nazis. - Well, maybe, but they're hot Nazis.
Hotzis.
What the fuck?
- What the hell is this? - What?
This. What is this?
- That's your wedding ring. - My what?
You got married last night. You don't remember?
What?
After you left, he went over and talked to that little chippy at the bar and they hit it off.
We went out, did some dancing. Before you know it, we were down in a chapel in Boca.
I was your best man. What up?
You were my best man? You let me marry her? What the fuck?
I was honoured to be asked, buddy.
You...
Oh. OK, guys. I've been punk'd. Very funny. You're fucking with me, right?
Actually I'm not. I've been waiting all morning to show you your marriage certificate.
Yeah. Could have gotten this done at a Kinko's. Two minutes. Very funny.
Then there's always the video.
I'm getting married.
I'm in love with Sonia Hernandez.
- Who's Sonia Hernandez? - Your new stepmom, twit.
Seriously? Again? Dad, tell me this is a joke.
Look, I don't remember what happened.
- What is the matter with you? - OK, you hold on cos I'm still your father.
Are you sure? Cos sometimes I don't know who's the adult and who's the child.
Thanks a lot, ass.
Surprise bachelorette party.
Hi.
- You know what I love about golf, Ron? - What's that, Todd?
It just has so much in common with women.
The finest, most gorgeous courses in the world
are also the most expensive and the most difficult.
We like to kick around with a shitty par three now and again,
as long as our buddies don't see, right?
The beauty of golf is variety.
You don't want to play the same hole every day,
even if you are playing the backside.
That's... that's beautiful, Todd, but I think I'm just more of a one-hole kind of guy.
I'm a three-hole man myself.
Right. All right, boys, what do you say we make it interesting? 500 a man.
- How about we keep it to 100, huh? - And we play Kennedy rules.
- What are Kennedy rules? - Ted Kennedy.
All right? Yeah. You lose a hole, you drink. You hit it in the sand, you drink.
- Seth whiffs the ball, we all drink. - I don't even wanna play.
You're gonna, OK? We played at the Putt-Putt. The rules will transfer fine.
Fair enough. We're also gonna play Todd rules.
- What are Todd rules? - Strip golf.
- Lose a hole, you lose some clothes. - I told you he was a 'mo. Come on, pay up.
- Not us, the caddies. - And that's less gay how?
Those are our caddies.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Ashley couldn't make it, but her sister is coming.
Here she comes now.
Sorry I'm late. My bunions are killing me.
I call this one.
This day just keeps getting better and better.
I can't. No.
- God. - Up yours, buddy.
- Drained it. - Yes.
Fore.
Miss it. Miss it. Miss it. Miss it.
Noonan.
Yeah. That's my boy.
Let me get this right, Ron. Your smoking-hot caddy asked you to play a 19th hole,
and you said no? Dude, I'm gonna have to check your balls for gay.
- Are you remotely familiar with monogamy? - No.
All right, boys, listen up. Tonight I've got something special planned.
We're going to the party down at the beach, then coming back here and drinking all night.
All right? Get some rest. We're going balls to the wall.
- Is Seth OK? - He's fine.
I, on the other hand, got way too much exercise.
Wunderbar.
- You want? - Nein.
Scaredy-cat.
Can you guys believe this? There's, like, 12 pages of Hernandezes in here.
- In Miami? Shocking. - Here's what we'll do, OK?
If each of us phones 75, right, that should work...
Wait a minute. Where's Tommy?
Sonny? Hello?
Sonny?
Hey, you.
- This is Shauna. - Hey.
You think you can take care of her the way you took care of me?
Does the pope shit in the woods? One second.
OK, did you girls lose a bet or something? Huh?
Daddy's little helper.
Look out, ladies.
Your friend, he's just amazing.
Mr Amazing's back.
All right, I'll catch you guys later.
Hey, man, give me the phone book. I'll help you out.
Autumn, can we do this tonight at, like, a club or something?
These guys, they're not here to play bachelorette games.
- They're here to feed their drinking problems. - But I have everything all set up.
If you change things, we won't get home in time for your surprise.
OK. OK.
OK.
Excuse me. Hi, hi.
It's my bachelorette party and I was wondering if you wanted to pay a dollar to,
well, suck a piece of candy off my shirt.
Here's ten to leave me the fuck alone.
Nice throw, son.
Hey, Tommy, it's me again. Look, I... I want to apologise for this morning.
It's not your fault that your dad's a fuck-up.
Just call me when you can.
I'm worried about you and...
I...
I love you, OK? OK.
Bye.
Hey, 9"!!-
A little help here?
- What the hell's wrong with you? - I just wasted a beer.
Hi, can I have a Jameson's on the rocks, please?
Tough day?
Browns girl. What, do you live in this bar?
Practically. Tony makes the best mojitos in South Beach.
- And it's Eva, by the way. - Eva, hi. I'm Ron.
So, Ron, what's going on?
I'm here for my bachelor party.
Your bachelor party? Well, that bums me out.
I thought you were cute.
Thank you. I'm flattered.
Easy, cowboy. I'm just busting your balls. Hello. I'm engaged, too.
God, is everyone from Cleveland this gullible?
They have done studies, yeah. Yeah.
So when is your big day?
Well, we just started dating a year ago, so, between you, me and Tony,
I'm not exactly in a rush.
I don't want to make a lifelong mistake, you know what I mean?
Tony, can I have another, please?
- Don't kill me. - Seth.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Whoa, not fine.
I need my...
- Where's my medication? - I think the fat boy took them.
That's just great.
Maybe this will help.
Thanks.
So, you have a... you have a really nice voice. What was that song you were singing?
That's a song I used to sing when I was a little girl with my great-grandfather Adolf.
I'm fine. You said your grandpa... grandpa who?
My great-grandfather Adolf.
- He's so sweet. He lives in South America. - I bet.
He calls me every week and he wants me to go to alt school just like he did in Vienna.
Alt school. That's fun.
- Yes, but I'm not interested in alt. - No.
I like politics.
Can you get me maybe the whole bottle?
Two months? I see your friends' point. What if she turns out to be a serial killer?
- I once dated a guy, he turned out to be gay. - Maybe you made him gay.
I definitely did. I used to outdistance him on the driving range by 50 yards. Pansy.
You golf too, huh? All right. Well, see, now, I totally would have gone gay for you also.
Well, not without the whole... Well, you know what I'm saying.
Well, sir, flattery will get you another drink.
Wait, no. No, I can't. I can't. I've got this beach-blanket-bingo thing to go to here, so...
Fine, leave me. I got Tony.
Well, you've got the world then.
Hey, why don't you come with?
- I don't think a girl should crash your party. - Come on.
It's free booze and drunk spring-break kids. What more could you want from an evening?
Plus, we can gab about centrepieces and bridesmaids' dresses.
You had me at free booze.
- I'll see you there, Cleveland Ron. - All right.
Hey, Seth.
What's going on, man?
Hey, any luck finding Tommy?
Whoa.
All right.
- You feeling OK, Seth? - No, I'm far from OK. OK?
I needed my medication, only Jason took it, so Hitler's granddaughter gave me aspirin,
only now everything still hurts and I have this.
- Is it supposed to curve like that, man? - No.
- Holy baby arm. - This is all your fault.
OK, how is that my fault?
Because you took my codeine, so I took a bunch of your Viagra.
OK, that's not Viagra, Captain Hook. That's Equine XL.
Wait a minute. What's Equine XL?
- Boner pills for horses off of this vet website. - Yeah?
- It's awesome. - I gotta get that site.
They were in an aspirin bottle, you degenerate asshole.
Excuse me for exercising a little discretion.
Exercise and discretion? I can't think of two words that have less in common with you
than exercise and discretion.
Ouch. That hurt, Seth.
I'm gonna give you something to hurt about, motherfucker. Come on.
Seth. Seth. Seth. Calm down.
- Wet noodle. Wet noodle. - Sorry to interrupt whatever this is.
The party starts in about ten minutes, so, you know, if you just finish up.
All right, Seth, I think you should... you should go and...
you know, take care of your little situation.
- Yeah? Yeah? - OK, I've got it. We just call a little call girl.
No, no, no.
No, I am not letting some diseased hooker touch me down there.
OK, we'll get a clean hooker to touch you down there.
Forget it, fellas, all right? Just forget it.
So, are those Capri pants?
They're not Capri pants. Capri pants are for women.
So they're man-pri pants.
No.
Look, they're cropped slacks, OK?
They're huge in Europe. Huge.
Yeah, George Michael's huge in Europe, too.
You ever thought of maybe an ankle bracelet?
- Is he gonna be down soon? - Yeah, he'll be down in a minute.
Be gentle.
Ave Maria.
Here you go, ladies.
Thank you, Flora.
What are we doing here? Not that I'm complaining, but, you know,
the odds of being thrown up on by an alcoholic have dropped significantly.
- Speaking of... where's Mom? - She's taking one of her naps.
I wonder who that could be.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
Oh, no. It appears we have some sort of water leak.
The plumber's here.
Excuse me, ladies. I understand you're having some problems with your plumbing.
I may have to pull out my special tool for this job.
Don't you worry. I'm accustomed to working with a lot of pipe.
My God. Are those Jimmy Chaos'?
Flora.
Go, plumber, go, plumber, go, go.
Go, plumber, go, plumber, go, plumber, go, go.
Go, plumber, go, plumber, go, plumber, go, plumber, go, plumber.
Go, go, go plumber...
What in fuck's name is going on? And where did Tommy Tune here come from?
Mother, it's Mel's bachelorette party. This is the stripper.
Hi. Love your house.
Thanks, Sally.
Jesus, Autumn. This guy likes cock more than anyone else in this room.
Excuse me, but we were in the middle...
But nothing. No daughter of mine
is going to have a one-man rendition of a chorus line for her bachelorette party.
Really? Well, what do you wanna do that's so great?
We'll go to my book club.
I'll take that. Definitely don't need that.
- Thanks. - You got it? All right.
Gentlemen, to a night we will never forget.
- Cheers. - Hear, hear.
Here you go.
See you later, guys.
- Whoa. Whoa. Feeling a little woozy here. - You all right?
I think this erection's draining the blood from my brain. I'm disgusting.
OK. Fair-weather friends, Ron. Those are fair-weather friends.
I am not gonna let a little pissing and moaning ruin your party, all right, brother?
- All right. - Hang on a second.
And off he goes.
Well, thank you.
Really? Does that come with a side of Tampax?
Not tonight. Tonight, we roll VIP.
If you don't already have someone performing your wedding, I'm also a licensed minister.
That would be just lovely.
This is your book club?
Come on. Go home.
Nobody likes you.
For the love of God, take a rest.
So, you guys offer a limo service, right?
Presidential suite.
Now, bachelorette,
I'll bet you're hungry, my dear.
Would you care for a scone?
Hi.
Grandma Rose?
Well, hello, Melinda, dear.
The Japanese have surrendered.
The war is over.
Great-grandma'?
Would you look at us? Four generations together at book club.
I need a refill.
Come on, baby. Daddy needs a rest.
Hey, fellas, look.
A hot tub.
No, it's closed for maintenance. I'm cleaning it.
Looks like a clothing-optional tub, too.
I'm stuck.
God.
- Well, well. I thought you hadn't made it. - Sorry, I was just freshening up.
You freshen up nice.
Half now, half after.
But when you're done, you come party with a real man, huh?
Sounds great.
Go get him.
All right, get it ready. It's time for the hot-body dance contest.
They who shake their thing at the crowd for the most applause wins $500.
Are you with me?
Yeah. First up, sexy Kristie.
500 bucks just for shaking your tits?
You should get in on that, man. You've got lovely tits. What are they, a full B cup?
Don't you have, like, a lost child and future ex-wife to find?
You know what? That cut. That cut real deep.
Is it gay that we're in this hammock together?
- Looks like her years of tap lessons paid off. - Hey.
This is new. You look amazing.
Are you on next or something?
I got disqualified. Roids.
Yeah, see, I suspected you might be a juicer.
- Mojito? - You speak my language.
Shall we?
Ladies, may I interest you in a cocktail?
Yes.
I slept with a coloured man once.
He was the milkman.
He was so big,
and black as night.
- OK, Mother. OK. - He sure delivered the milk that day.
OK.
If you will all excuse me, I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go check in with Ron.
Todd, it looks like Ron forgot his phone.
Score.
All right, ladies, get lost. Go.
OK, see ya.
Ron's phone.
Hey. Todd?
Hi, Mel.
You know what? I would get Ron, but he's a little indisposed at the moment.
Is he throwing up? He's kind of a lightweight.
Not exactly. Mel, are you sure that you want to invite this guy into our family?
What?
Ron has been sleeping with everything in a skirt.
Do you have some kind of arrangement or something?
Hello?
Mel?
Next stop, corner office.
- Shots. - Shots.
It doesn't seem like Ron at all.
It's better you found out now.
Next time he falls asleep, cut one of his balls off. That'll teach him.
Not now, Mother.
I have to see him.
- Tonight. - You want to go to Miami?
I'll call your father. We can take the jet.
All right, guys. Give it up one more time for Candy.
All right. Last, but certainly not least, we have the beautiful...
Jason?
My God.
God.
Get off the stage, loser.
All right, guys, this is crazy. For the first time in club history, we have a tie,
between Candy...
and Jason.
Now, around here, that can only mean one thing. I'm talking about a dance-off.
- You're going down, fatty. - Bring it on, sugar tits.
First up, Candy.
Don't get mad, girl. You can't get mad.
That is not nice.
Man, you can't beat that. You can't beat that.
Jason. Jason.
Jason. Jason. Jason.
We have our winner. Big Jason.
I do not know where they are.
Maybe they took a few groupies back to the hotel or something.
Is it me or is it freezing?
We can go. You want to go?
- Yeah, let's go. - All right.
Hey. Hey. Ron just left with Eva.
Perfect. Just to be sure, get every hot piece of ass here back to the suite.
Hey, what should I tell them?
I don't give a shit. Get it done or you'll be walking to Cleveland.
OK.
Yeah, thanks. Man, I've always wanted one of these.
Guys. Guys.
Come here. Thank God. Thank God.
You have no idea what I've been through. Help me get out of this chlamydia stew.
Come on, man.
I swear to God, if I see any more man junk on this trip, I'm gonna gouge my own eyes out.
- Who's the degenerate now? OK? - Get a girlfriend.
- Are you serious? - Get a watermelon.
Are you serious? Hey, come on.
I think I lost a ball.
Hey, fellas, look, a hot tub.
I'm worried about you and I love you, OK?
OK. Bye.
- That was weird. - What?
My dad. We had a fight today and he actually apologised,
which is a first.
Hey, driver, are there any karaoke bars around here?
Get down here. This guy just invited us to Justin Timberlake's hotel room.
Congratulations to Jeff for earning his one-year chip.
And next up we have Betty, who has earned her six-month chip.
Come on up here, Betty.
Excuse me, is this the Timberlake orgy?
- No, afraid not. - Sorry.
Betty, where are you? Betty? Betty, wait.
No, don't go. You must avoid your lust triggers.
Justin.
- You look tense. - Yeah, yeah. It's been a tense weekend.
Let me ask you something. Is a bachelor party the last chance
for someone to convince the bachelor that they're making a huge mistake?
- I don't know, are you? - Am I what? Making a mistake?
- Yeah. - I don't know. I don't think so.
You don't think so. Well, if that's not true love, I don't know what is.
OK, well, in your infinite wisdom, maybe you can tell me,
how do you know that your fiance is the one?
I never said he was.
Well, why did you say yes?
Cos he asked, I guess.
Look, I'm not the one with the wedding date.
Life is short and I wanna be sure.
I love Miami.
- Sonny, hey- - Hey, Betty.
So, I brought a few friends that are in need of your expertise.
Well, OK.
All right. Come on, girls.
I don't know, Betty. I mean, my penis is really tired.
Your cock can sleep when it's dead, OK?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
OK, yeah, let's do this. OK. First bedroom on the right.
Boy. Yeah, I can't wait.
You're tall. You're getting it.
Here you go. I'm outta here. Witness the shitness.
Hi. Go get some hair plugs.
Come on, where's Ron?
God.
I know they're sex addicts, but come on.
You guys seen a kid, huh? Anybody? You seen a kid?
Have you seen a kid?
- Hey, Seth. - Hey.
- How did you get out of the hot tub, man? - I don't want to talk about it.
Sebastian and Meat, this is Derek. Derek, Sebastian, Meat.
Have you seen Tommy anywhere?
No, sorry.
Meat?
All right. Let me know, man.
Tommy?
Well, I'm gonna take the longest shower in recorded history.
Make yourselves at home.
Tommy.
Where have you been?
I've been so worried about you. What are you wearing?
- Who's your friend? - Dad, this is Sonia Hernandez Murphy.
Murphy. OK. OK, yeah.
Same last name. Small world.
Dad, this is the woman you married last night.
My God. I'm so sorry.
I didn't recognise you. You see, last night, I...
You were hammered. It's so good to see you.
OK, OK.
Yeah.
Tommy, can I see you for a sec?
Excuse me, Sonia.
- How did you find her? - I checked out a couple of karaoke bars.
What? Karaoke bars?
Dad, you love karaoke, Mom loves karaoke, so do your other ex-wives.
So why would number four be any different?
Now, listen. She's an aerobics instructor, loves Merlot, hates smoking,
and her family owns the Miami Dolphins.
- Holy shit, really? - Yeah, she's loaded, so don't blow this.
Now go talk to your wife.
- Sonia. - Derek.
It's so clean and organised.
It's so German.
My God.
- Seth. - Hey.
Gerda, hi. I was just gonna borrow some Purell.
No, no. It's not what it looks like. I was...
- Seth. - No.
- Yes. Yes. - OK.
Well, I...
I've never been married,
so I don't have a lot of experience with this subject matter,
but, with Mel,
things just feel right.
Well...
what about this?
Does this feel right?
I...
- Who needs a drink? - Yes, let's have a toast.
To life being short.
Wait, wait. Wait, wait. We can't do this.
I know that what I'm doing is right, and Mel is the one for me, I'm sure of that.
And I know that your fiance is an incredibly lucky man
to be marrying an amazing woman like you.
- I'm sorry. - Please, don't apologise.
Yes, I should, because I'm...
I'm not getting married and I'm far from an amazing woman.
But you're a really good guy,
unlike your buddy Todd.
What?
Jesus.
- Seth, Seth. Yes. - I'm going to hell.
I'm going to hell, but it's so good.
I'm sorry, Grandma. I'm so sorry.
God.
What are you doing here? Where's Ron?
Sleeping it off on the beach.
Mission accomplished.
Really? Well, I need proof.
I've got it. Pictures galore.
Excellent. Let's see.
We could do that now, or
you and I could celebrate.
Billy.
Leave now.
By the way,
I like to get wild.
You like to get wild,
don't you, Todd?
Hey, fellas.
Drink. Drink. Drink.
Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.
Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.
- Where's she going? - Home. I told her I'd see her at the annulment.
- You're not staying with her? She's perfect. - I know that, buddy.
But I told her I've got a couple of very important things back in Cleveland.
That was stupid. She's rich.
You gotta relax, OK? We're still dating.
We're going to do the long-distance thing. I'm not that stupid, right?
Hang on a second.
Excuse me, ladies?
Hi. I hate to ask this,
but what exactly is Jas...
Sonny's secret?
I don't know what to tell you, Rico. It's a God-given talent. He's like Mother Teresa.
Wait a minute. He's like Mother Teresa in the sack?
Yeah. I just wish he was staying longer. There are so many more of us that need to be cured.
Cured? What? The only thing that guy could cure is a ham.
I've been a sex addict all my life. I've tried everything, even electroshock therapy.
Nothing worked, until I slept with Sonny.
It was so...
foul,
I don't think I'll ever have sex again.
He's an angel.
Hey, he is an angel.
- Well, thanks, ladies. - Yeah, sure.
"He's an angel."
I am wiped out. Man, those chicks were passing me around like the Stanley Cup.
- I bet they were, you pathetic... - OK, Sonny Crockett. You're the man.
I do my best. Now I've gotta find a little beverage, replenish the fluids.
Yeah.
- I was gonna rip him a new one. - Let him have his little moment in the sun.
Besides, we're gonna be able to hang this over him forever.
Yeah.
All right. Come on, let's do this.
One more thing.
What?
What are you doing?
Well, you know, Todd, I thought a lot about what you said,
and you were right.
I do want a threesome.
Look, I meant two girls, OK?
Two girls, OK.
Come on, buddy.
Don't you wanna go balls to the wall?
What? I don't...
Guess what, everybody? I'm free from my penis.
I'm totally flaccid. It's great.
- What, did your horse-stiffie juice run out? - Not exactly.
What are you gonna do with that?
- You slept with the Nazi? - She's a total neat freak, just like me.
- It's like we were destined to meet. - Seth, you're a Jew.
A self-loathing Jew. It's perfect.
Hey, have you guys seen Ron?
God. God.
OK. Ron, listen. It's cool, OK?
It's cool. I like you. OK?
It's just not my thing, OK?
If this is going to be special,
I need it to be silent.
God.
God, no. Listen, listen. My God.
Hey, Billy, have you seen...
Jesus Christ. What the fuck, Ron?
What? No. It's not what it looks like.
Todd was trying to break Mel and I up.
He was worried I would replace him at Mel's dad's company.
And I don't even want the job, you dumb shit. All I want is Mel.
No.
So in retaliation, you decided to rape him.
I can respect that.
Hey, fellas, looks like the real party's in here.
So is there an agreed-upon safe word or what?
It's not what you think.
Mel.
You are sick.
No, no, wait. No, it's not what you think. Todd set me up. He... Wait. Mel, honey.
Mel.
What the hell is he talking about?
Ask him.
Mel.
Mel. Wait.
Wait. Hang on.
Mel.
"So, he set this whole thing up to get Ron to cheat."
Sorry.
- Is this true? - Sweetheart, he's lying.
- You're so fucking fired, Billy. - Really?
After all I've done? He's been skimming off the top for years
and sleeping with Angela in Accounting. She gave him crabs. I bought the cream.
- Bullshit. - Bastard.
OK, everybody out of the room. Now.
- Autumn, honey... - I said out, now.
- Angela in Accounting. - I can expl...
- Look at me, you son of a bitch. - My God. Not there.
Mel.
That's my fiancee. It's all a big misunderstanding.
Hang on, we're taking a short cut.
Mel. Mel. Come back.
Mel.
Take the wheel.
- Mel, let's talk. - Leave me alone.
Ron.
Mel. Mel, Mel. Mel, listen. Listen, listen.
Todd thought I was gonna take his job, so he wanted to get rid of me and so he set me up.
He what?
What were you doing in that room? I saw you.
We were trying to get him back, just trying to scare him, that's all.
Come on. You know me, and you know that I love you and I would never cheat on you.
Come on. Listen, listen. This weekend,
I have heard nothing but reasons why we should not get married.
You know, that it's too soon, that marriage is a dead institution,
that golf is boring if you play only one hole the rest of your life.
- What are you talking about? - I don't know.
OK, look. Listen, listen. What I mean is this.
What I'm trying to say is that, no matter what anyone else tells me,
all I can think about is the next time I get to stare into your eyes.
And if I get a chance to do that every day for the rest of my life,
that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
- I'm ready to elope. - You're ready to...
I'm sick of this bride-to-be stuff. I'm ready to elope.
OK. Are you serious?
Cos I think Derek actually knows a place that we can go.
Actually, I...
I think I know someone who can help us.
Do you, Ron, take Melinda
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
Do you, Melinda, take Ron to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Way to go, Ron.
- Sorry, Mel. - It's OK.
By the power vested in me in the state of Florida,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride, papi.
Thank God. I'm starving.
Yeah, I could really go for a pizza.
You like pizza?
- Aloha. Welcome. - Aloha back at you.
Last name Rose, checking into the honeymoon suite.
I'm sorry, ma'am. The honeymoon suite is booked for another party.
Well, check again. It's my honeymoon.
Calvin, tell this man how you made a reservation in the honeymoon suite.
- Baby, the thing is... - Don't you "baby" me.
I didn't wait 17 years to not have my honeymoon in the honeymoon suite.
Hi, checking into the honeymoon suite. Last name Simmons.
You.
You son of a bitch.
You. Small world, huh?
I'm gonna kill you.
- You're nuts. - Get over here, you son of a bitch.
- Mel. - Get your ass over here.
That's my honeymoon suite, you son of a bitch.
- That's my ring. - That was my grandmother's ring.
You are insane. Get away from me. You need some therapy, woman.
ENGLISH